….said the women without children.
Motherhood is awesome. Motherhood is messy. Motherhood is saying “fuck it” to your morals, pride, and standards. Motherhood is humbling. Motherhood is awesome.
As a footloose and fancy free “unparent”, I had visions of what I would be like as a mother. Or should I say, what my kid would be like as a child. Obviously I would have a well-behaved, fun-loving, smart, creative child that turned out that way just because she was my spawn. She would be trilingual (English, Spanish, sign language), say “please” and “thank you” by 15 months and sleep whenever I willed her to. She would calmly and quietly entertain herself while her father and I enjoyed dinner and a drink (and maybe even dessert) at the trendy cafe down the street and she would be immune to the drug that is the smartphone.
And then I had a baby. And then I had a toddler. And then I said “fuck it”. Here are the top eight rules I broke in just 16 short months.
- I would sleep when my baby slept. Hahahahahahahaha. Hahahahahaha. Shit’s gotta get done people! How about hire me a maid, a cook, and a chauffeur and I will get right on that!
- I wouldn’t be a raging bitch to my husband. Sorry honey but I know you’r not sleeping and I know you can hear her crying too you a-hole. You ask why I’m so irritable all the time? Well, first of all, I’M STARVING! I’m sweating over this stove in our non air conditioned house, I have a screaming smurf tugging at my legs yelling “Mama” and you want to know what we should bring for food on our camping trip in two weeks? I guarantee I have not thought about what I will be doing in 20 minutes (besides perhaps cleaning up a murder scene) let alone eating at a campsite in 15 days. I suggest you just turn around and walk away before someone gets hurt.
- I would nurse for at least one full year. Actually, my original goal was 6 months. Turns our it wasn’t as hard as I thought and I decided early on I would go for a year. Then shit got real and I went back to work which meant sitting in a room three times a day with no windows, hooking up my lady parts to an angry machine and just sitting. Just sitting, and sucking, and sitting, and sucking. I think I lasted 5 weeks with regular pumping before I said “fuck it”. We nursed when together until about 8 months when I took a long work trip and decided I was done. I missed my freedom and discovered the gift that was the bottle (no not vodka although that is a gift too). Power to the mamas that do it longer (or who attempt it at all)…it is quite an experience!
- My child would eat what we ate and I would never make her separate meals (or feed her sugar). That lasted about one month when she was willing to chomp her toothless gums on anything that wasn’t liquid. Then, slowly but surely, she sucked the culinary life out of me by refusing the meals I slaved over and insisted on only PB&Js (or almond butter and jelly because, well, just because someone said so once). Then, instead of eating the perfect sandwich with the perfect ratio of butter to jelly and cut in to two perfect sailboats, she just pokes her finger in it over and over and over again. And with every poke, you feel a little twitch in your eye and think to yourself “am I really about to cry over a sandwich? What has my life come to? Why is she doing this to me? Why won’t she just eat the fuuuccckkking sandwich!?”. Fine, just eat this bowl of goldfish. Can mommy have some?
- I wouldn’t use the TV as a babysitter. Ok, so we are pretty good about this one. But, a woman’s gotta attempt some level of visual normalcy at work (or at least not look like the nightmare she sees in the mirror first thing in the morning). And if the alternative is saying “no” to her eight thousand times and chasing her around the house after every little thing she decides to grab or pull out or touch, Dora is just gonna have take one for the team on this one.
- I would never be on my phone in front of my child. But that stupid little devil device is DJ Tanner and I am Kimmy Gibbler and I just can’t keep my nose out of her business! Or is the phone Uncle Jesse? Anyway. I don’t know. Hang on. I just have to like this post real quick.
- I would NEVER let her touch my I-phone. And then I experienced my first tantrum and I caved like Tom Cruise yelling “show me the money” in Jerry Maguire. Like a little bitch! Why, Apple!?!?!?! Why did you have to invent these tiny little devil treasures??
- And finally, I would never be one of those moms that slaps up annoying pictures of her child with annoying quotes and annoying hashtags all over social media and the internet. And then I said “fuck it”, this kid is too cute!
But we do our best and keep telling ourselves if they’re breathing and smiling then we must be doing something right. And at the end of the day, that is kind of true. Whatever you do to make it through the day, do you! Know that you are their only mommy (or daddy) and just for that, you are perfect!